I don’t know how this happened, but my boyfriend and I watched three episodes of ABC’s dating show The Bachelorette.
The current season is about single lady JoJo Fletcher looking for her soul mate among a group of men who secretly aim at becoming underwear models and being booked for wild club nights in Pocatello, Idaho.
In order to know the contestants better, JoJo gets to interact with them through two kinds of social occasions: the cocktail party and the date. The cocktail party is an evening event where everybody gets to dress nicely and be as slutty and inappropriate as humanly possible thanks to roofies dropped in everyone’s glass by the producers of the show (if this isn’t true, I am blaming Marti Noxon). The date, on the other hand, shows sober contestants in your typical first date activities, such as role playing fire fighters out for a 911 call or flying to San Francisco on a private jet.
Now. I know that tv calls for entertainment, but my girl JoJo is admittedly trying to find A HUSBAND and I don’t think she’s being given conclusive information on these boys. Because honestly, I would marry the monster of Milwaukee right now if our first date involved a private jet.
For this reason, I’ve compiled a list of 5 exciting date ideas that will provide JoJo and future bachelorettes with everything they need to know in order to recognize THE ONE. You’re welcome ABC.
1) 12 Hour Shopping Spree (Endurance Comp.)
Bring your beau on a twelve hour shopping spree to find mascara, a pair of socks and a winter jacket for your dog. Try to explain to him the complex ecosystem of animal clothing brands and ask his opinion on which shade of black better suits your eyes.
If he looks excited and/or is actually able to tell the difference between different shades of mascara, the date is off. Set him up with your gay best friend and demand to be the best woman at their wedding.
If, on the other hand, he makes it through the date without you having to use pepper spray on him, this could be the person you’ll spend the rest of your life with.
2) Netflix and Chill
One couch, some popcorn and a Netflix subscription. What could possibly go wrong?
Everything. Just everything. Because choosing a movie to watch is the ultimate test to relationships between millennials.
First you’ll have to overcome together the paralyzing anxiety generating from selecting one title out of thousands, then you’ll have to show your cards. Once your boo throws a movie title out there, there is nowhere to hide.
You will know whether you’re doomed to grow older with the Transformers franchise, whether he thinks the Harry Potter movies are better than the books, whether he doesn’t recognize Anne Hathaway’s talent. You will know, and you’ll end up leaving the room on a dramatic note, screaming “You deserve the Mindy Project!”.
Been there, done that.
3) Cleaning Day
Dear Jojo. It is true that watching men step out of their comfort zones can be revealing of interesting personality traits, but I don’t think swimming with dolphins is necessarily the activity you are looking for.
The question that should keep you awake at night until you tie the knot is not “Is he good with cetacea?” as much as “Does he use the toilet brush?” – “Is he willing to pair socks for the rest of our lives, until death do us part?” – “Does he actually move objects from the ground while vacuuming or simply goes around them?”. I’d consider canceling your time with Flipper and arming your fearless knight with cleaning products and washing powders instead. I’m sure he’ll show his true colors.
4) Your Cousin’s Wedding
All happy families are alike. They are mental, with tons of skeletons in the closet and multiple traumas to overcome. Before saying “I do”, you might wanna throw your boyfriend in the trenches of a relative’s wedding and see if he survives your aunt’s compulsive ass grabbing, your uncle’s inappropriate drunk jokes and your mom’s occasional judgmental looks. All of which could make for some precious moments of contemporary tv.
5) Scrabble Tournament
When you plan to grow old with someone, be aware that one day card and board games are going to be your only form of entertainment. Once you’re stuck in bed with old people’s diseases and the tv gets boring, you’re gonna want to play a game of Scrabble with your better half and you’re gonna want to win. That’s why you need to check ahead of time that your opponent/husband isn’t unbeatable, horribly competitive or childish.
My boyfriend and I bought Scrabble online a couple of months ago and I’m quite content about the results. Even if I always always always win, I’m pretty good at not rubbing it in. The only thing I do to celebrate my victories is a 5 minute twerking routine, followed by me singing Queen’s “We are the champions” in its entirety, replacing “no time for losers ’cause we are the champions” with “no time for stephens ’cause we are the champions”, followed by the development of a t-shirt line that says “There’s no crying in Scrabble”.