The Indian Abduction or My first Bollywood movie

I started this post more than one year ago. I started it and then realized how painful and traumatic would have been to relive the time of my kidnapping; those three endless hours in which I got psychologically tortured by a bunch of Indian folks.

I wished I could erase this from my mind and pretend it didn’t happen.

I wished I could forget everything and not having to talk about it again.

I wished a lot of things, but then some days ago I found this in my mailbox.

 

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The movie theatre Babylon, in Berlin, is giving away free tickets for a couple of Indian movies and I can’t – I SWEAR TO GOD I CAN’T – let Bollywood make another victim.

 FLASHBACK OR “THE TRAP”

When Babylon wrote me I had won two tickets for the premiere of some indian movie I did a little celebration dance. I didn’t even remember entering the contest, but hey, I do try my luck with a lot of online giveaways! Also, I’m a patological naive person who gets overly excited about free stuff.

Of course when I got to the theatre with my friend Simone and realized that literally EVERYBODY there had won their ticket, the little voices inside my head whispered a very clear message:

RUN!

Sadly, it was too late. The organizers were pushing people inside the room like sheep to the slaughter house and once it was full they probably locked the doors from the outside and burst into an evil laugh.

BOLLYWOOD

All I knew about Bollywood was that my friend Noelia likes it and that my sister was asked to be an extra in a Bollywood movie once.

As much as I had never been curious enough to watch a Bollywood movie, I wanted to be open minded about it.

Huge mistake.

THREE IDIOTS (AND COUNTING)

The movie is called Three Idiots, but the number should be bigger if you count all the people in the audience who fell for this evil Indian trap.

The film starts with two Indian guys looking for their old college pal Rancho. The three of them used to be college BFFs but didn’t keep in touch after graduation. Not even on Facebook. Plus: Rancho went missing shortly after their lives parted and now – for some reason I don’t remember – they need to find him.

ROAD TRIP!

While driving, an Indian song makes very subtle references to what’s going on in the movie…

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Then flashbacks like there’s no tomorrow.

The two friends remember the good old days, starting from their first day of college.

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Indian colleges stand somewhere between American fraternities and elementary schools: there’s hazing and pranks for freshmen but they have much to do with human excretions (which are still top of the notch humour in India).

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In the following scene there’s a song about cleaning the toilets, because why not.

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In the following scene a student hangs himself and the movie is suddenly about the enormous pressure that the school system puts on Indian students.

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Facts are spoken.

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In the following scene Rancho tries to convince the father of one of the friends to let him follow his real dream: becoming a wildlife photographer.

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In the following scene the friends crash a fancy party…

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…and Rancho gives premarital advice to a girl he just met.

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In the following scene the father of one of the friends is sick and needs to be taken to a hospital…

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…Rancho and the lady from the party wear their superhero cape and take him there with a scooter, saving his life.

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In the following scene one of the friends commits suicide…

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…but survives, falls into a coma and only thanks to the love and cares of his friends manages to recover and love life again.

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In the following scene, a woman has to give birth during a flooding AND a blackout.

There’s no way to take her to the hospital and no doctor around.

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Luckily, Rancho and his friends take control of the situation and assist the birth with…erm…unorthodox methods.

The baby is fine.

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In the following scene Rancho finally graduates and gets the hell out of there.

The professor cries.

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When the road trip comes to an end we’re finally back to the present.

The friends think they found Rancho, but it turns out the REAL Rancho is someone else. Someone who vaguely resembles Nathan Fillion.

And carries a rifle.

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In the following scene we find out that Real-Rancho is a spoiled dumb rich boy who convinced the poor, smart son of his gardener to take his identity and get him a university degree.

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In the following scene, the friends crash a wedding and talk the bride into calling it off and run away with them.

They knew that, deep down in her heart, she was still in love with Rancho and had waited her whole life to find him.

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I don’t want to spoil the end of the movie, but an alien invasion may or may not be involved.

Once the lights were turned on, the Indian people in the room were out of their mind. One girl said that it’s the best movie she’s ever seen and the Indian ambassador was clapping like a maniac.

To me, it felt like being kidnapped and tortured with all the stingy ugliness in this World.

Alanis_Morissette,_Thank_U_(Stéphane_Sednaoui)

About the Author

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Federico is a human love letter to the internet. His favourite activities include: hypochondriasis, a tragic vision of the future and lowering his life expectancy one pastry at a time. You can stalk him on TWITTER / FACEBOOK / INSTAGRAM


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