When I bought my first blender I was full of hopes and dreams about it.
I thought I’d become a new, healthier man who exercises regularly and asks his friends “Is this BIO? Oh, right, it’s not, you can really taste the difference”.
The truth turned out to be a little different than that. If you’re considering buying a blender you should be aware of the unexpected, comical, useless, disappointing consequences and this infographic is for you.
I made this with Easel.ly
What you want to happen
Becoming the new Gwyneth Paltrow
Saint protector of the foodies and godmother of every diet, Gwyneth Paltrow is certainly the first thing I picture when I think of a blender. She’s famous for endorsing all kinds of diets and detoxes and the thought of her perfect skin and peaceful soul suggests that she hasn’t eaten junk food in 67 years.
Gwyneth is the closest thing to the Dalai Lama you will find in the movie industry and deep down you aspire to be like her.
Eating healthy for the rest of your life
Who needs chocolate chip cookies when you have a blender, right? Like all women magazines teach us, whenever you’re up for a sweet treat you’re going to blend a banana plus whatever other fruit and you’ll have a delicious smoothie.
In fact, solid food is for losers. You’re just going to eat blended vegetables and fruits for the rest of your life and enter the Guinness Book of World Records and host a tv show produced by Oprah and called “Nothing you can’t blend”.
Publishing your own smoothie recipe book
After a couple of years you’ll have created so many different and creative smoothie recipes that a famous publishing house will ask you to write a book. After the New York Times will name it “Best cookbook of the year” you’ll release interviews and say: “It all started as an hobby and I can’t believe it got this far. The thought of helping people embrace a healthy, sustainable lifestyle is what really makes me happy and gives meaning to this project”.
What will actually happen
Nothing will make your children feel special like missing one or two fingers while growing up.
Also, people can’t always remember to unplug their blender when they shove one hand down the glass container to clean it or unblock it.
Good thing is: if the master plan was to lose weight, getting rid of body parts will at least make you feel like you’re succeeding at it.
Repainting the kitchen walls
“I’ll be careful”, you’ll tell to yourself. But the day will come when your right hand will be busy sexting your new Tindr/Grindr crush and your left one will be the only available to operate your house machinery.
Oh, yes, it will come.
Then you’ll turn on the blender and your kitchen will suddenly become a crime scene: disgusting to watch or smell and very very difficult to clean. And of course if you don’t manage to clean in the following 20 minutes the fruit flies will invade your house just because – like in the best horror movies – THEY ALWAYS FIND YOU.
Lack of space in the kitchen
Don’t be fooled by its slim figure: a blender takes space. Just like in life you’ll often have to choose between a dog or a cat (CAT!), or a boyfriend and a cat (CAT!), or a baby and a cat (CAT!), buying a blender means renouncing to something else.
You’ve been saving money your whole life for an ice-cream machine? There’s no space. You have the blender.