29 Funny Fortune Cookie Messages To Kill Every Hope

Not going to Italy for Christmas, last year, made things incredibly less stressful and unexpectedly more complicated. If you spend the holidays at a place that is not your mamma’s, in fact, you cannot just show up, jump on the food like a hungry ferret and pass out on the couch. Grownup Christmas means behaving, cooking, entertaining like a real housewife of Beverly Hills (only without a professional cook or an addiction to  antidepressants).

So I thought: what’s the most entertaining and seemingly culinary thing I can make?

Fortune cookies, of course!

Fortune cookies 2

The fact I am not Chinese and it wasn’t New Year’s Eve seemed completely irrelevant at the time. All I needed was a simple fortune cookie recipe and a devious mind to come up with funny fortune cookie messages that would make 2017 look bleaker than how already did.

For the Lol!

Now, if I’ve already charmed you and you’re considering baking your own fortune cookies, I can recommend Taste of Home’s recipe. It’s extremely simple and – if you don’t suck like me – you may even get it done without second-degree burns all over your body.

As per the messages, you can choose to be boring and use some poorly translated Chinese sayings you’ll easily find on Google, or you can come to the dark side and download this file containing mean, hopeless, funny fortune cookie messages ready to print and be read aloud by both your friends and enemies.

Let’s review them together:

Fortune Cookie Messages
Love Life: You'll receive unexpected attentions, although mostly from cats
Career: don't settle for what you have now. Someday, somewhere, you'll be working at a gas station
Big Relief: those weird stains on your body are simply an STD.
Career: You'll get a 2% salary bump, then quit to become a bank robber.
Love Life: That special person you've been admiring from afar will finally notice you after you drunk-text them pics of your genitalia
Accomplishments: Check the mail for news - another restraining order may be coming your way!
Wellness: You'll be on a diet for some days and then forget about it
Sometimes life really is like the movies. In your case, Lars Von Trier’s Melancholia
Accomplishments: You'll surprise everyone by not being the alcoholic hobo your high school teachers thought you'd become
Love Life: You'll get married to a pillow in the shape of your favourite Japanese cartoon character
Sex Life: you'll find that porn website you liked and finally remember to bookmark it
Social Life: You'll buy an organizer for 2017 and forget about it before the end of January, ‘cause your life is that uneventful
Spirituality: You'll found your own cult and not even your mom will join it
Art: You'll find a publisher for your first book and then realize it’s a scam operation based in Nigeria
Social Life: You'll add strangers on Facebook. Some of them will add you back and ask for your used underpants
Self-Realization: You'll finally be in the first result page when Googling yourself
Family: Your parents will get drunk and admit life was better when you didn't exist, then awkwardly add “just kidding”
Fame: You'll become a reality TV star in Uganda
Spirituality: you'll find your true self in India and realize your true self listens to Celine Dion
Career: Exciting job opportunities if you're willing to swallow 300 grams of cocaine and step on a plane to South-East Asia
Career: An Amazon recruiter will contact you on LinkedIn, asking if you have friends who know how to use Photoshop
Hobbies: Your brain is too old to learn a new language, but your Chinese teacher will keep taking your money
Self-Expression: A stranger will compliment your online Twilight fan fiction, then lose interest once he realizes you're not an underage Japanese girl.
Family: You’ll start thinking about having children ‘cause all your friends have one, just like it happened with the iPhone5
Career: Amazing opportunities will open up if you’re willing to give up your dreams and learn how to code
Love Life: Stop swiping left on everyone. You’re overestimating yourself.
Love Life: once you’ve swiped left on everybody in your city, pictures of cats will start showing
Love Life: you’ll realize it’s time to move on. Mostly ‘cause he/she hasn’t called you in five years.
Wellness: high school students on the bus will start calling you sir/madam and you’ll research plastic surgery
Hobbies: You’ll be open to try new activities, like swimming with dolphins or necrophilia

Click here to Download the Messages

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About the Author

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Federico is a human love letter to the internet. His favourite activities include: hypochondriasis, a tragic vision of the future and lowering his life expectancy one pastry at a time. You can stalk him on TWITTER / FACEBOOK / INSTAGRAM


Filed under: Life