The Christmas holidays are a time of getting together, drinking like goats in the desert and playing board games. For all of you who enjoy complex strategy games whose instructions are longer than the Twilight saga and require
an abnormal attention to detail being sober: stop wasting time on my blog and go read yourself some Encyclopædia Britannica.
For all the ones who like silly games taking out the worst in them: I have something for you.
One morning of November I was sick and in a fever delirium. It seemed the perfect time to take all the white cards of Cards Against Humanity which made no sense to me (Yes, all FOURTY of them!) and change them into something that made me laugh.
Here they are
Toni Morrison’s Vagina -> Game of Thrones Spoilers
I don’t know who Toni Morrison is, but I’ve seen people balling and threatening to take their lives after reading on the internet the identities of the latest dead characters in the HBO show.
The Little Engine That Could -> The Agony of Hanging your Clothes to Dry
I have a dream. I dream of a world in which washing machines turn into dryers at the end of the wash and there’s no need for you to stop binge watching Jessica Jones in the hope to see Mike Colter naked in order to hang your clothes to dry. The future has failed me.
Aaron Burr -> Googling Symptoms
I expect Google to award me with a MD degree for my achievements in the research of imaginary illnesses. Also, stalker degree and Mike Colter Shirtless Pics degree.
Smallpox Blankets -> Liking a band before they were famous
By the way, I attended my first St. Vincent concert in 2008 and you can all suck it.
Switching to Geico -> Victoria and David Beckham’s book of baby names – 2015 Edition
Vicky Beckham has been an enormous inspiration throughout the years whenever I had to name goldfish and hamsters.
Five-Dollar Footlongs -> Disappointment over the finale of “Lost”
THEY DIDN’T EXPLAIN THE POLAR BEARS!!!!1!11
Waking up half naked in a Denny’s parking lot -> A little more rum and a little less coke
Learn this in every language and you’ll have amazing vacations
Object Permanence -> Not what Rome is about. We should totally just stab Ceasar.
A quote from my favourite movie scene of all time ever ever ever and if you didn’t like it you stink.
The Hustle -> The Neisha Call
A supposedly sophisticated reference to restore my reputation after declaring my love for Mean Girls.
A murder most foul -> Parents who jog while pushing the pushchairs
You make me want to return my DNA.
Fancy Feast -> Prozac like candy
They told me Prozac wasn’t candy but I showed them. I SHOWED THEM.
William Shatner -> Luke Perry Hugging a Koala Bear
The most poetic image after the one of a black child hugging a white child.
Frolicking -> French Guiana’s Battle for Independance
It’s happening any day now.
GoGurt -> Pakistani Kids Succeeding at Spelling Competitions
White middle-class kids you’re the shame of America LOL
Serfdom -> Brangelina
I don’t know why this card doesn’t come with the basic version of the game. You failed me CAH.
The Kool-Aid Man -> To Give Anorexia a Try
I did it one day but then found a cookie between the cushions of the sofa
Synergistic Management Solutions -> Daniel Radcliff’s Magic Wand
A bit too big for me but we’ll figure it out.
Take-backsies -> Girls who strangle with their thighs
According to ShinyStats, this search query led to an old blog of mine.
Count Chocula -> Putting Baby in a Corner
Or, as an alternative, “To Help him carry a watermelon”.
Lockjaw -> Partizip Zwei
The thought that haunts us in the middle of the night.
Lunchables -> Eating Katie Holmes’ Placenta
A rite of passage in the life of each and every one of us.
Joe Biden -> A World Map without Idaho, Finally
Hey hey hey calm down Idahoians, that was just a joke. I’ll drop my weapon if you drop yours. Counting to 3. One. Two. Two and a half. Two and three quarters. Two and fifty-six seconds. NOOOO!
Swooping -> Mary Berry’s clearly unpleased look
Those eyes glancing at my soggy bottom. I will never forget those eyes.
Prancing -> Getting Rid of the Bodies
You all make such amateurish mistakes. You deserve to get caught.
The Chronic -> The Staggering Filmography of James Van Der Beek
At least Dawson met Spielberg.
Bingeing and purging -> Gwyneth’s secret Smoothie Recipe
Ingredients: avocado, raspberries, banana and the milk of a pregnant virgin.
Dry Heaving -> Vegetarians Who Eat Fish
“I love you forever cow, pig and horse <3 <3 <3 Oh, hi salmon. Where’s my baseball bat when I need it?”
Just kidding. #TeamSushi
Bill Nye the Science Guy -> Michelle Lavaughn Robinson Obama, First Lady of the United States of America
I can’t describe the special bond that me and Michelle share.
Inserting a Mason jar into my anus -> Your disgusting Jewelry on Etsy
The fact you don’t employ child labor isn’t always enough.
Sex with Patrick Stewart -> Fashion Bloggers
But I still want to be Chiara Ferragni.
Rush Limbaugh’s soft, shitty body -> Unnecessary Feminism
Let me explain this to you.
Whenever I ask my (straight) male friends who their favourite music acts are they always name male musicians.
Whenever I ask my female friends who their favourite music acts are they always name male musicians.
Whenever a cool all-male band covers a song, it’s always a song that was originally sung by a guy.
Whenever a cool female artist covers a song, it’s often a song that was originally sung by a guy.
Then one day a famous, acclaimed male artist decides to cover a young, popular female artist and he’s publicly accused of mansplaining the work of the aforementioned female artist.
You are ridiculous. All of you. Go listen to the whole Tori Amos discography including b-sides, rarities and covers and shut the fuck up until I can surprise quiz you about it.
The three-fifths compromise -> Dirty Talk with Siri
– “Someone’s being a naughty girl…”
– “Searching the web for someone’s being a naughty girl”
Copping a feel -> The Improper Removal of a USB Stick
Objectively, the one thing that kept us awake at night in the 90s
Hot Pockets -> The inability to Raise one Eyebrow
Whatever, I can lick my elbow. And yours, too.
Adderall -> Sabrina
– “The teenage witch?”
– “Oh, no. She’s a co-worker of mine”
She does it for the attention.
A Bop It -> Surprising Elasticity of your anus’ muscles
Also the answer to “Where did the stool go?”.
Whipping it out -> Banana Fana Fo Fuck You
I dedicate this card to all the poor souls whose name is too long for the Name Game.
Road Head -> The House Obama would live in if he was a dog
Inside joke. Ask me no questions, I’ll tell you no lies.
A can of whoop-ass -> Lena Dunham Favoriting my Tweet
Based on a true story.
John Wilkes Booth -> Alanis Morissette’s Dissolving Anger
I miss the days in which Alanis would castrate me with her stare.