Greatest Hits – A More Quiet Place

All posts filed under “Greatest Hits”

November 4, 2015

How To Make Halloween Costumes Out Of Your Favourite Websites

On the Halloween of two years ago, I decided to dress up as my boyfriend and impersonated him in a video that managed to fool his dad and gained me a nomination to the Academy Awards (of my heart).

This year, I resolved to step up my game and dress up as another of my true, real loves: THE WHOLE INTERNET.

Pitchfork

This rootless supervillain made it his life’s mission to find and pierce everyone who claims that Joanna Newsom’s voice is “kinda weird” or that “Tori Amos is just a Kate Bush wannabe”. Aside from making costumes, can also have tons of fun by playing games like Kcasino.

September 1, 2015

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The Most Amazing Roller Coaster Photo Ever Taken

I think I found the picture I want on my tombstone.

But maybe we should start from the beginning.

FLASHBACK
COUPLE DAYS AGO
SOUTH OF GERMANY

As you probably know if you follow me on Twitter, my boyfriend and I recently took a holiday in Switzerland/South of Germany/Black Forest.

We opted for the south of Germany in particular because, apart from its beautiful nature and the fact that drinking beer for breakfast is socially acceptable, there’s a big amusement park there.

For years I’ve been lamenting the fact that Berlin has no proper amusement park, telling everybody how much I loooove roller coasters and adventurous rides (in hindsight, I must have been drunk).

So, Europa Park happened. We got there in the late morning without much preliminary research and found ourselves in front of a big, badass amusement park. The number of attractions exceeded our expectations (you need at least two days if you wanna do everything) and the theme seemed pretty well developed (each area of the park is a European country and its individual attractions are based on something connected to the country).

We decided to start with Iceland because, as you know if you’ve followed our trip, everything is calm and peaceful there.

Bad idea. Read More

August 1, 2015

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How to Write Your Resume: The Funny Guide

I wrote this originally for Uberlin

If you’ve read the previous chapter of this guide, you should have identified the startup job of your dreams and be ready to apply.

If you haven’t found it, it probably means you’re being too picky and are doomed to become a homeless person while waiting to encounter the perfect job title (“Hairstylist at a horse beauty contest”)

But let’s assume you are ready to go.

Applying at an internet startup is a delicate process that you can’t afford to fuck up. Your whole career depends on this preliminary phase and in this second chapter of my guide I’ll focus on how to put together a spotless Curriculum Vitae.

STEP 1 – LAYOUT

Once upon a time the reign of CVs was ruled by an evil king called European Model. The European Model states that all the information inside a CV shall be divided into two columns and be presented in the most readable (a.k.a. boring) way possible, as if to proudly scream to the world that we all have OCD.

Then the game changed. Recruiters were getting tired of ~~their job~~ life after hours of going through the same, excruciatingly boring and anonymous documents and at the same time internet startups started understanding the value of differentiation and personality. Read More

April 18, 2015

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German Supermarkets: A User’s Guide

This was written by me and featured originally on Uberlin.co.uk

Four years after claiming independence and moving to Berlin, the supermarket still feels like the most iconic place of my adulthood and one of the most fascinating Berlin places to write about. While other bloggers document colourful night scenes and vivid cultural environments, I find myself in a complicated love triangle with Lidl and Rewe, and am now ready to disclose the dynamics of these relationships. My user guide to Berlin supermarkets will lead you through a correct, satisfying and 100% German grocery shopping experience. You can also buy groceries online and use a coupon from https://www.raise.com/coupons/walmart.

Dairy Case by Roey Ahram, on Flickr

CHAPTER 1: “I’M A PFAND MACHINE READY TO RELOAD”

First: Enter your supermarket of choice.

Second: Head towards the Pfand machine.

Any respectable trip to a German supermarket includes a mandatory stop at the Pfand machine, which is usually located before the actual shopping area. Not stopping there would be like going to IKEA without eating meatballs.

Glance at the 75-year-old lady who just beat you to the line by one fraction of a second. Using her last remaining life force, she’s carrying seven plastic bags full of bottles and is now feeding them into the machine.

Very. Slowly.

Consider leaving the line but then change your mind: it would be a drag to go through the whole shopping process with a bag dripping a mix of Club Mate and beer (probably a real cocktail recipe somewhere in Berlin). Also, you could do with freeing up an extra three square metres in your room before your flatmate calls the crew of Hoarding: Buried Alive.

Years pass. The lady lets you know she’s done by smiling at you and saying something incomprehensible, which is probably German for “I’m a rich bitch now. So long, suckers!” Watch her pink-haired body floating away with what was probably hundreds of Euros and a smile of victory on her face.

It’s your turn now.

You only have five bottles, so this shouldn’t take long. Unfortunately for you, after the first bottle has been sucked in, the machine notifies you that the containers placed on the other side of the wall are full. “You need to press the red button”, says the Pfand-bot.

The red button is the last trace of a Germany that wants you to feel in control. Clearly, its only purpose is to give you a false sense of safety, just like the numbers on Lost. Don’t even mind the button and do the only rational thing: cry out for help.

Don’t lose hope: someone will come.

CHAPTER 2: “WE FOUND CAKE IN A HOPELESS PLACE” Read More

January 21, 2015

11 Italian Expressions That Will Weird You Out

From the creator of the acclaimed 8 Italian expressions having to do with poop (yep, that’s me!), here comes another dive into the darkness of the Italian language.

Delightfully vulgar and creepily truthful, this blog post is not suitable for pregnant women, minors or pregnant minors.

Here we go:

To take someone by the ass or Prendere per il culo means making a fool of someone, joking or even conning somebody.

Usage Examples:

– So you don’t really own a boa constrictor?
– LOL. No, we’ve been taking you by the ass the whole time!
– Haha!

– The commercial says I’m gonna lose 20 Kg in two weeks!
– That must be a take by the ass, there’s no way something like that is doable

– I was out visiting my friend Micheal
– Really? Too bad that I’ve met Micheal and you were not with him! Do you really think you can take me by the ass like that?! Read More

June 23, 2014

8 Italian Expressions Having to do with Poop

One of the greatest things about living far from home is that distance brings clearness.

In particular, the less you speak your mother tongue, the more you start noticing tiny little things about it.

Sometimes it’s cute things, like the fact that the words sonnellino (nap in Italian) and burrone (Italian for ravine) sound pretty hilarious.

And then there’s those other times in which you realize something gross that will make you wanna return your passoport, like the fact that the language you’ve spoken nonstop for 26 years has kind of a poop fixation.

Here’s why.

Pooping someone or Cagare qualcuno means paying attention to what somebody is saying or, more generically, to notice someone.

Usage Examples:

– How’s it going with Francesco? Has he asked you out yet?
– Not at all. He barely poops me….

– …and after that could you please drive the kids to school?
– ……
– Hello?! Could you poop me?
– Uh?
– What’s on your mind lately? You’re so distracted!

To make someone poop or Fare cagare a qualcuno means to Read More

May 22, 2014

QUIZ: What annoying feature of the German language are you?

Warning! This is not Buzzfeed. If you wanna take this personality test you’re going to need a piece of paper and a pencil to note down your answers, like real men (and women!) do. If you’re a lazy bum, just go on Buzzfeed and find out if you’re a bad person (which you are, if you’re leaving this page). I’d also like to divert your attention to this deutschkurs hannover school.

It’s Friday night and you’re awaited for dinner by:

A) My fans. I’m gonna show up one hour late and demand that we pick another restaurant. Just because.

B) One or two close friends, nothing major.

C) My Mom. Hopefully.

D) The Puzzles-and-ancient-languages-and-boring-hobbies Club. I’m the president.

E) Friends whom I don’t really like.

If you were a Berlin attraction:

September 14, 2013

The Barbie Dreamhouse Near Death Experience

At first I didn’t want to write about my Barbie® Dreamhouse Experience. I wanted to bury it in me till the day I’d be able to afford professional help.

Then I realized how many unaware followers Barbie has and I can’t stay silent anymore. I need to save them. I need to write about it, even if it means reliving that childhood trauma you pretend was just a bad dream.

Dramatic Pause.
Flashback.

Barbie®’s house was built overnight next to the ugliest shopping mall in Berlin. Just like that. We woke up and there it was, like the castle of a very gay Dracula screaming “I’m in town, bitches!”. I didn’t want to go there, actually, but every time I’d pass by I felt the ~~dark~~ pink side of the force calling me, seducing my soul from afar with its sober yet fascinating elegance. Plus: a giant fountain shaped like a girly shoe. How could I resist?! Read More

June 9, 2013

Tickle season 2: we’re almost there

I can’t hide my secret identity any longer.

I am the executive producer/screenwriter/director of the critically unacclaimed tv series Tickle.

Tickle‘s second season will start in a couple of weeks on the CW, a network famous for supporting, producing and broadcasting series that are full of ~~crap~~ potential.

Here is an interview I did some time ago, in which I look back at the first season and speak about the future of the whole series.

April 3, 2013

Top 5 German Habits You’ll Pick up (Against Your Will)

Don’t know about you, but I’ve always liked the expression embracing a new culture. It sounds peaceful and reassuring, and when I planned to come to Germany I used to think of myself as a Pocahontas in reverse ready to absorb and confront with open mind and arms this new teutonic world.

I soon realized, though, that if Pocahonts had known about McDonald’s, guns, stuffed turkeys and Zoey Deschanell, she would have probably spared us some songs and filed a couple of complaints. I also realized that there’s times in which you don’t feel as you’re embracing another culture as much as you’re handcuffed to it.

Everybody tells me that Berlin is not representative of Germany, but there’s things, little annoying habits, that I picked up along the way during my expat life in Berlin and they look 100% Deutsch to me. I’m pretty sure you’ll pick them up too if you get to live long enough in this beautiful city.

1) Leaving bottles on the street

My education turned me into a strict recycling machine and the thought of somebody leaving his trash on the sidewalk used to horrify me.
But.
In Germany empty bottles are not trash: they’re money. You go to the supermarket with your empties, a machine sucks them up and returns cash; for an empty bottle they give you up to 60 cents, which you can then reuse to shop.
It’s not very difficult to understand that leaving an empty bottle on the public soil of a relatively poor city is like anonimously delivering donuts to a fat camp. You lay the bottle on the ground, turn one second to your friend who’s trying to decide if the fourth club of the night should be Berghain or Watergate and zac – onomatopoeic italian sound – the bottle is gone.
You kind-of-sort-of-like give to the poor and you also avoid storing another empty at your place.
I mean, the fact that I’m just a couple of Club Mate away from buying myself a car makes me proud, but I can barely see the entrance of my apartment anymore and at this point my only hope is that the crew of Hoarding: buried alive finds me before it’s too late. Read More