The Most Exciting Afternoon of our Lives

Warning! The following is a humorous text about the day the royal baby made his first public appearance. If you’re looking for REAL news, you might wanna check out the Guardian

 

About one week ago I went visiting my boyfriend at his place and found him staring at his laptop, catatonic, giving no sign of reaction. At first I thought he got Stendhal syndrome from his Titanic Desktop background, again, but then realised something epic and remarkable was about to happen.

royal baby first appeareance cnn

Main Title: Royal couple and prince to appear any minute
William and Kate were about to exit that very door with their newborn baby and CNN was documenting everything. What a special event! Thank God I caught it on time, I know I would have killed myself if I had missed it!

10 minutes later

royal baby first appearance
Main Title: Royal couple & prince to appear any minute
The tension is palpable. I’m so excited that I try to grope my boyfriend but he stops me in shock.

Not in front of the royal baby!

He’s right. The moment calls for respect and decency.
CNN Journalists are giving a deep analysis of the situation (I can’t wait to see that fluffy little lovely bunny) and the director just keeps your eyes glued to the screen, switching the point of view of St. Mary’s hospital’s closed door a million times.

10 Minutes Later
royal baby first appeareance cnn

 Main Title: Royal Couple and prince to appear any minute
Journalists keep making smart remarks on the situation, pointing out that media wise this will be the most “spied” baby of all times.
I’m so glad this is London and not – for example – Berlin, and the royal baby is not – for example – Jochen Schropp. Royal babies cannot catch you out of their houses with infra red binoculars and call the police. They cannot ask for restraining orders and force you to keep a distance of at least 300 meters from them or their houses. They cannot ignore the fact that you belong together making you feel like some deluded bitch.
Royal babies are great.

10 minutes later
royal baby first appearance

Main Title: Royal Couple & Prince to appear any minute
THE DOOR OPENS!
But it’s not them. They’re just letting in and out some random unimportant people. Attention whores, clearly. They could have come to the hospital tomorrow, a little internal bleeding has never killed anybody.
In the meantime the discussion between CNN journalists gets nostalgic

JOURNALIST 1
Hey, do you guys remember what you were doing the day William was born, 30 years ago?

JOURNALIST 2
I was just starting my career as a journalist, in the US

ME (at the screen)
And look how far it took you!

10 minutes laterroyal baby first appearance

Main Title: Royal Couple and Prince to appear any minute
How long have I been here? I don’t remember.
Time doesn’t exist anymore.
I don’t exist anymore.
I painted a human face on a soccer ball and called it Wilson.
“Everything is going to be fine, Wilson. We’re going to be fine in the end. We’re going to be just fine”.
Can’t walk away from the screen. Will have to start drinking my pee soon.

10 minutes later

royal baby first appearance

Main Title: Royal Couple & Prince to appear any minute
I start hallucinating.
I haven’t eaten in minutes and my body and brain are just starting to react weirdly.
Under the main title it’s written (in a 9-sized-font) that some factory collapsed in some poor country.
Those people would do ANYTHING to steal the spotlight from the prince.

10 minutes later
royal baby first appearance

Main title: New prince makes first appearance
That’s it. The moment came. History is walking down St. Mary’s stairs in the shape of a white bundle with some head.
I hold my boyfriend’s hand and look him in the eyes, trying to sip the moment.
Our parents had the moon landing. We have this.

I can barely hold back the tears. CNN documents the moment with rare talent, alternating on the screen headlines that are both eye catching but also able to describe the intricate historical/political meaning of this moment.

royal baby first appearance

 

 10 minutes later

 The royal baby ran off on his car, leaving us with so many unsolved questions. Does he poo solid or liquid? Is he fat? Will his name be boring or will he be able to compete with Victoria Beckham’s kids?
Luckily the CNN special continues even without the baby, and makes light on some of the questions that each one of us would ask him/herself, especially after smoking crack.

And now, let’s all go to the British embassy in Berlin and sign the card!

 

snuggie_whiteSubscribe to my Newsletter!
Emails are sent every Monday and feature embarrassing confessions or unforgivable grammar mistakes, especially if I write them while drunk. Just enter your email address and start making fun of me with your friends!
[sform]1[/sform]

About the Author

Posted by

Federico is a human love letter to the internet. His favourite activities include: hypochondriasis, a tragic vision of the future and lowering his life expectancy one pastry at a time. You can stalk him on TWITTER / FACEBOOK / INSTAGRAM


Filed under: Life

Write your insults here

Loading Facebook Comments ...
Loading Disqus Comments ...

2 Comments

  1. ebe

    A card? The Royal Baby is already reading?! That is quite impressive.

    Genius post. Good luck to you and your boyfriend in these trying times after waiting for the Royal birth. And Wilson. God save Wilson.

  2. Fede

    I can’t believe he’s still 0 years old. It felt like 8 years passed watching that closed door….

Comments are closed.