All posts by “Fede

[Quiz] What Lidl Salad Are You?

Oh, hi there.

Please look at the past three months as the summer break of  a cheesy teen drama. Only difference: instead of living Summer at its fullest like Dawson and Joey, I was busy building a shelter for the upcoming nuclear war (s/o to ma’ boy Kim Jong-un).

Anyway, I’m here because I have a transatlantic flight in less than two weeks and I want this post to be my ultimate legacy in case I end up on the bottom of the ocean.

Take the Quiz and find out who YOUR TRUE SELF is!

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100 Days of German Words – A Quiz Show

You thought my 100 Days of German Words project was water under the bridge?

You poor thing.

I’ll keep riding this success with the desperation of the Fast and Furious franchise, repurposing old ideas like they were an unnecessary acoustic version of Jagged Little Pill.

So, one afternoon of two years ago I went over at Babbel‘s, dressed up like a nerd from Happy Days  and quizzed employees about my madeup German words.

The response to the video has been incredible and overwhelmingly positive.

kinda annoying

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ll eat six kilos of Ben &Jerry and die.

I Tried Cooking And It Was Brutal

Is there anything more rewarding than waking up at the crack of dawn and prepare a nutritious breakfast for the whole family?

me in the kitchen
Hell if I know.

mary berry in the kitchen
Unlike Mary Berry, I’m the person who:

1 – Barges in around dinner time tenderly shouting “Me Want Food” in the ear of his better half.
2- Loots refrigerators when he feels like having a snack, leaving behind a trail of empty peanut butter jars and despair.
3 – Financially sustains Berlin’s delivery food ecosystem, taking it upon himself to be the unrequested face of its brands. Read More

How to Marry Ryan Gosling

After watching La La Land, I thought:


For a long time I had suspected he’s the most perfect man who’s ever walked the planet Earth and now I was facing the ultimate evidence of that. The immediate, natural response to this sudden enlightenment, was of course to take Ryan Gosling to be my lawfully wedded husband, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do us part.

You don’t believe me? Take a look at this perfectly legal marriage certificate:

Certificate of Marriage with Ryan Gosling

I was filled with joy and gratitude, although a part of me started feeling bad for my boyfriend Stephen. Did marrying Ryan Gosling in the heat of the moment constitute the end of our life together?

It didn’t feel that way. It didn’t even feel that personal, to be honest. I just came to realize, with more and more clarity, that being married to Ryan Gosling should be a fundamental right of every man or woman.

The western world is entering dark times in which they’ll try to take away from us everything older generations fought for. We’ll cross a point of no return after which none of us will be heard, respected or even free. And once that happens, I tell you, we all better be in a comforting marital relationship with someone who’s hot, perfect and learned how to play the piano in weeks.

You can require  your free, legal certificate of marriage with Ryan Gosling by reaching out to me via Twitter, Facebook or through the form below by the end of February.

Now don’t be a possessive bitch and share this with everyone you know who could use a holy matrimony with Ryan.

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29 Funny Fortune Cookie Messages To Kill Every Hope

Not going to Italy for Christmas, last year, made things incredibly less stressful and unexpectedly more complicated. If you spend the holidays at a place that is not your mamma’s, in fact, you cannot just show up, jump on the food like a hungry ferret and pass out on the couch. Grownup Christmas means behaving, cooking, entertaining like a real housewife of Beverly Hills (only without a professional cook or an addiction to  antidepressants).

So I thought: what’s the most entertaining and seemingly culinary thing I can make?

Fortune cookies, of course! Read More

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Passive-Aggressive Office Emails | 6 Ready-To-Use Templates

Planet Earth, Civilized World, 2016.

A scientific study reveals that as our lives get increasingly more frantic, we don’t have time to fully express our emotions.

As a consequence, we miss out on those precious, special moments like sending out Christmas cards, writing love letters or showing our superiority by patronizing each and every one of our co-workers through passive-aggressive office emails addressed to everybody in the company.

If you feel like your colleagues are pushing your buttons but have no time to put together a proper rant, look no further! These six ready-to-use email templates will save you tons of time while still ensuring to voice your frustrations and secret homicidal instincts.

Scenario #1 – Too many milk cartons opened in office fridge

opened-milk
Email Subject
: Milk Farm

Dear co-workers,

I hope you’re doing great.

I’m writing this email ’cause I happened to open the refrigerator looking for milk and found what must have been thirteen hundred cartons opened of the exact same thing.

Whoever is responsible for this, I’m sure they’re doing it for a higher purpose, like running a secret lab experiment for an Agro-Industrial company or developing a bio-chemical weapon to finally extinct the human race.

Whatever the reason is, though, I have to admit that I kinda prefer my milk liquid. I do not enjoy the sound of milk plopping into my coffee in jelly balls bigger than human testicles nor I find it enticing when that first spoonful of cereal in the morning tastes like vomit from two weeks ago.

For all these reasons, I’d be grateful if you could check for existing cartons in the fridge before you open new ones and ideally – but I know it might be asking too much – write the date in which you open one, ’cause beverages taste so much better when they’re not alive.

Have a wonderful day,

Scenario #2 – Colleagues don’t use toilet brush

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100 Days Project in Retrospect

So last year, for (more than) 100 Days in a row, I have invented a German word a day trying to express feelings that felt important, quirky or invisible. This is what I wrote before starting the project while the following are thoughts I’ve collected along the way, which I felt deserved to be explored.

Word For

You know that weird sense of suspension felt when you can’t find the right word for something? That feeling is what defined/haunted my first year in Germany and what – I suspect – defines/haunts the life of anyone who moves to a country without speaking the language.

Just to be clear: It is not terms like “demagogic”, “astonishing” or “pretentious” that you’re temporarily missing. Instead, you have the urge to say “chair” or “bus ticket” or “I’m sorry”, only to find that those words are nowhere in your brain yet.

It is isolating.

When I read about the 100 Days challenge launched by the Great Discontent, an idea hit me right away. What if among all the feelings and concepts I was struggling to express in my expat life,  there were some which never got their entry in the dictionary?

lebensmittelallergiesamkeitIt Felt Like Therapy

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Letter To A Skinny Boy Entering His 30s

Dear skinny boy,

Remember when your mom used to promise you amazing presents if you managed to put on weight while my mother had to desperately hide food from me?

Remember your effortless high school success at gymnastics,  floor exercise, pommel horse, still rings, vault, parallel bars, horizontal bar, marathons while the rest of us got golden plastic medals as a consolation prize for not dying?

you_are_a_winner
Remember when you ran into your university class mate and said “I brought lunch. I’m on a diet” and she said “Oooh, tell me about it” and you said “I need to eat at least 200 grams of pasta a day. I’m trying to gain weight” and she went home, cried in the shower and ate a whole 500 ml Ben&Jerry Banana flavoured ice-cream package? Read More

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How to Fabricate a Fake Boyfriend

You guys, isn’t Netflix’s Stranger Things the most amazing tv series you’ve seen this year? It has EVERYTHING: 80s nostalgia, Matrix-like scenes, children riding their bikes, an amazing soundtrack, breathtaking cinematography and FREAKING WINONA RYDER!

Everything.

I started watching it without having seen the trailer first, partly because lately I’m hating all trailers and party because the presence of my girl Winona seemed more than enough of a reason to give it a chance.

I finished the pilot with a pretty clear idea of what the series was going to be: a pleasant, goonies-like childhood adventure with a hint of tension and a bagillion references to the decade I was born in. It sounded like  uncomplicated fun for all ages and I was up for it!

One episode later, my feelings started to change.

gonnahavenightmares

The situation escalated quickly.

In the haunting solitude of my apartment on a Sunday afternoon, I found out that Stranger Things is actually scary as fuck. While my desperate cry for help was going unheard, I knew I should have pressed pause right there, but that mix of love and fear growing inside of me just wouldn’t let me.

I watched the whole thing like I was in a trance and once the final end credits rolled out I realized that A) the room was now completely dark and B) I had to go to bed soon.

Alone. Read More