All posts by “Fede

A One-Night Stand Opened My Eyes About The Amanda Knox Case

amanda knox

Source: CNN.com

On a useless evening of October I start going through the titles that Netflix has chosen for me.

Movie posters line-dancing under my thumb while machine-learning algorithms hit me with coming of age movies, teenage dramas and cooking shows making a display of recipes I will never be able to replicate.

Then a pair of piercing, spiking, puncturing blue eyes suddenly halts the swipe. Everyone who lived in Italy in the late 2000s has encountered Amanda Knox’s stare and can allegedly testify to the story it tells.

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Jennings, Elizabeth – A Fashion Blog from The Americans

I did not think the “blogger’s block” was a thing until it hit me, heavily, around six months ago.

All of a sudden, the mundane happenings that had always been my muse were failing to inspire me. I was metaphorically shooting blanks.

Since I’m still out of ideas but the show must go on, this week I’m putting in the driver’s seat my beautiful and talented friend Elizabeth Jennings (Liz).

Liz is the epitome of the woman who has it all: career (she’s part-time travel agent, part-time nurse), family (married to Philip and mother of Paige and Henry) and in the little free time she has, she manages to pursue creative projects like keeping the Soviet Union together or disposing bodies.

Given that she also possesses an exquisite and transformative sense of style, I asked her to put together some outfits to express the eclectic, multi-layered shades of her personality. You can buy outfits online with a coupon from Raise. Take it away Liz!

 Outfit #1

Outfit #2

Outfit #3

I stole this look from a university professor I saw on the internet.

Ok, it was actually a girl *playing* a professor in a  video LOL. I had to pause the video quickly because, as much as I have an eye for detail, she did not wear clothes for very long.

This is my outfit of choice for when I attend Meetup.com gatherings with business people.

What do YOU wear when you want them to “smell money and success” instead of that discounted perfume  you bought from a barefoot woman on the streets of Minsk in 1985?

Tell me in the comments!

elizabeth the americans sexy teacher disguise

Outfit#4

Outfit #5

Outfit #6

This is me on the day I told my coiffeur I wanted to look like Baby from Dirty Dancing and it turned out like a Bichon Frise deceased on my skull .

I was like: “Dimitry, FFS, I wanna be supportive of Mother Russia but I’m not one of your eastern pop singers who probably get their perm done in prison”.

To lift myself up I got a McFlurry on my way home :P :P

How do YOU cope with a bad hair day? Tell me in the comments!

elizabeth the americans bad perm disguise

Outfit #7

Outfit #8

Outfit #9

This is the outfit I wore in the music video of “Bad Blood” by Taylor Swift.

A few weeks earlier, a guy saw me on the street while I was beating the crap out of two enemies of the cause and he was like “Badass! Wanna take part in a video?”.

At first I was hesitant, since Taylor being a neo-nazi icon kinda conflicts with my political views, but I wanted to get a selfie with Selena Gomez so whatevs.

elizabeth the americans bad blood disguise

Outfit #10

Outfit #11

Outfit #12

Girls, this is the perfect look if you ever want to host a feminist book club. The silver hair screams “old soul book worm” but the hipster glasses give it that special je-ne-sais-quoi to make you look approachable, modern and fun!

Tbh Marx’s Capital was supposed to be our first book but was a little bit long and we decided to turn the book club into a movie night. Sharknado GAVE ME LIFE!!1!

elizabeth disguise the americans

Outfit#13

Outfit #14

Outfit #15

I feel SO badass in this pic! I was headed to the christening of my christian-fundamentalist daughter Paige and I wanted a look that said “I’m proud of you” but also “religion is the opiate of the masses” ROTFLLL.

Too bad you can’t see the Marylin Manson 1997 Tour t-shirt I was wearing under that coat.

elizabeth badass disguise the americans

Outfit #16

Outfit #17

Bonus Track: this is my friend Paige (ok, daughter, but everyone thinks we’re sisters LOL).

She asked me for advice on Halloween and I wanted her to dress up like the female lead in Battleship Potemkin. The costume was kinda too elaborate to make, though, so in the end she decided to go to the party as Harry Potter.

Hahahahahaahaha she’s my biggest disappointment in life.

paige disguise the americans

[Quiz] What Lidl Salad Are You?

Oh, hi there.

Please look at the past three months as the summer break of  a cheesy teen drama. Only difference: instead of living Summer at its fullest like Dawson and Joey, I was busy building a shelter for the upcoming nuclear war (s/o to ma’ boy Kim Jong-un).

Anyway, I’m here because I have a transatlantic flight in less than two weeks and I want this post to be my ultimate legacy in case I end up on the bottom of the ocean.

Take the Quiz and find out who YOUR TRUE SELF is!

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I Tried Cooking And It Was Brutal

Is there anything more rewarding than waking up at the crack of dawn and prepare a nutritious breakfast for the whole family?

me in the kitchen
Hell if I know.

mary berry in the kitchen
Unlike Mary Berry, I’m the person who:

1 – Barges in around dinner time tenderly shouting “Me Want Food” in the ear of his better half.
2- Loots refrigerators when he feels like having a snack, leaving behind a trail of empty peanut butter jars and despair.
3 – Financially sustains Berlin’s delivery food ecosystem, taking it upon himself to be the unrequested face of its brands. Read More

29 Funny Fortune Cookie Messages To Kill Every Hope

Not going to Italy for Christmas, last year, made things incredibly less stressful and unexpectedly more complicated. If you spend the holidays at a place that is not your mamma’s, in fact, you cannot just show up, jump on the food like a hungry ferret and pass out on the couch. Grownup Christmas means behaving, cooking, entertaining like a real housewife of Beverly Hills (only without a professional cook or an addiction to  antidepressants).

So I thought: what’s the most entertaining and seemingly culinary thing I can make?

Fortune cookies, of course! Read More

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Passive-Aggressive Office Emails | 6 Ready-To-Use Templates

Planet Earth, Civilized World, 2016.

A scientific study reveals that as our lives get increasingly more frantic, we don’t have time to fully express our emotions.

As a consequence, we miss out on those precious, special moments like sending out Christmas cards, writing love letters or showing our superiority by patronizing each and every one of our co-workers through passive-aggressive office emails addressed to everybody in the company.

If you feel like your colleagues are pushing your buttons but have no time to put together a proper rant, look no further! These six ready-to-use email templates will save you tons of time while still ensuring to voice your frustrations and secret homicidal instincts.

Scenario #1 – Too many milk cartons opened in office fridge

opened-milk
Email Subject
: Milk Farm

Dear co-workers,

I hope you’re doing great.

I’m writing this email ’cause I happened to open the refrigerator looking for milk and found what must have been thirteen hundred cartons opened of the exact same thing.

Whoever is responsible for this, I’m sure they’re doing it for a higher purpose, like running a secret lab experiment for an Agro-Industrial company or developing a bio-chemical weapon to finally extinct the human race.

Whatever the reason is, though, I have to admit that I kinda prefer my milk liquid. I do not enjoy the sound of milk plopping into my coffee in jelly balls bigger than human testicles nor I find it enticing when that first spoonful of cereal in the morning tastes like vomit from two weeks ago.

For all these reasons, I’d be grateful if you could check for existing cartons in the fridge before you open new ones and ideally – but I know it might be asking too much – write the date in which you open one, ’cause beverages taste so much better when they’re not alive.

Have a wonderful day,

Scenario #2 – Colleagues don’t use toilet brush

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100 Days Project in Retrospect

So last year, for (more than) 100 Days in a row, I have invented a German word a day trying to express feelings that felt important, quirky or invisible. This is what I wrote before starting the project while the following are thoughts I’ve collected along the way, which I felt deserved to be explored.

Word For

You know that weird sense of suspension felt when you can’t find the right word for something? That feeling is what defined/haunted my first year in Germany and what – I suspect – defines/haunts the life of anyone who moves to a country without speaking the language.

Just to be clear: It is not terms like “demagogic”, “astonishing” or “pretentious” that you’re temporarily missing. Instead, you have the urge to say “chair” or “bus ticket” or “I’m sorry”, only to find that those words are nowhere in your brain yet.

It is isolating.

When I read about the 100 Days challenge launched by the Great Discontent, an idea hit me right away. What if among all the feelings and concepts I was struggling to express in my expat life,  there were some which never got their entry in the dictionary?

lebensmittelallergiesamkeitIt Felt Like Therapy

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6 Freaky Things About Berlin Startups

Unless “mystery shopper” and “cat sitter”  really count as grownup jobs, it is fair to admit that I never had a job before moving to Germany. I had a family, though, and that family was led by two proud members of your average Italian working class. They took pride in enduring through their working hours for me and my sister, embraced the suffering of it and its discouraging lack of prospects. As I witnessed my parents’ lives, I grew up preparing psychologically for the depressing start of my career, kind of like a criminal prepares for jail time.

After five years in Berlin and more than one tech company on my resume, I can say that working here has been mildly weird, consistently fun and nothing like I was expecting. These are six things that struck me about German tech startups.

1) Quirky Team Names

One thing I’ve learned from the German startup scene, is that descriptive names are so very passé. If you’re hired as an accountant in a tech company, for example, the chances you’ll end up working in the “finance team” are extremely slim. Your team will instead be referred to with the name of an animal/a famous scientist/a made-up native American tribe.   You will attend serious meetings meant to address the concerning performance of the angora rabbits, to contemplate the possibility of new hires among the raccoons or to find a new leader for the alpacas. My scientific guess is that by the year 2025 all the animal names will be taken and startups will have to start exploring uncharted territories, naming their teams after things like sexually transmitted diseases, stripper nicknames, pokemons and toppings you can find on frozen yogurt.

Read the rest of this post on The Local

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How to Move in 7 Steps – The Tragically Funny Guide

moving guide
I was 8 years old when my mother barged in with shocking news.

“We’re moving!”

The only person I knew who had moved was former elementary school classmate Anna. She vanished without saying goodbye on a Summer morning as if she was in some witness  protection shit, giving me my first taste of irreparable separation anxiety and none of the Little Mermaid stickers she owed me.

As I hesitantly asked “Where?”, I got ready to leave everything behind and started picturing my new life in Burkina Faso, learning French like a pro and getting fat from Fufu.

“We’ll be at number 10”.

Two months later, we relocated from number 4 to number 10 on the same suburban street, which is where I ultimately spent my childhood, teenage years and beginning of adulthood, relentlessly chained to my nest like the most stereotypical Italian.

Then Berlin happened. In hindsight it was a huge step, but at the time I thought it would be a six month chapter of my life and it did not feel like I was properly MOVING here.

“So what makes you knowledgeable enough to write this post” – you say?
I’ll tell you what. Within Berlin, I have lived E V E R Y W H E R E.

berlin_moves

Reason being rental contracts that couldn’t be renewed, low tolerance towards my flatmates (and vice versa), first attempts at independence or even love, the bottom line is that these six years turned me into a moving machine.

I already wrote about the hassle of finding a room in Berlin and it’s now time to put together everything I’ve learned from my 6.022×1023 relocations within the city.

Estimated reading time: 45 years.

For a better, shorter version, take a look at the city-specific checklists that my friends at Teleport are putting together. Read More

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A Video Game Made Me Gay and other Gamer Stories

Visit https://www.boostingboss.com/ to buy League of Legends accounts ready for ranked play.

Is it weird to constantly, obsessively wonder about what makes us, us?

Why are some people atheist and other stainless-ly faithful? Stoners or clean? Why do some people go to bed early and others only feel like they exist in the quiet of the night? And how can anyone seriously like pickles?

I guess if we could pinpoint the reason for everything we are, the universe would be as simple and comprehensible as that one Sudoku I was once able to solve, found inside Winx Magazine at a middle school slumber party. Three years ago.

But it’s not that simple. We – humans – have to accept that we’ll never have an answer and I – Fede – have to resign to not knowing why I dislike the color red, why I love igaming events at Slotsformoney.com, why Joanna Newsom’s voice makes me tick and why I’m writing this blog post at this very moment.

I will never know the exact reason behind any of these things. Except for one.

FLASHBACK – SUMMER OF 2015, LUNCHTIME – THE OFFICE

ANNE
I just want the weekend to come. It’s going to be me, a bottle of wine and GTA.

CO-WORKER 1
Yeah!

CO-WORKER 2
Great plan!

CO-WORKER3
GTA is the best!

ME
What exactly is GTA?

I am NOT familiar with video games. Not at all. I have played some when my sister, in the nineteenth century, brought home an Amiga and then quickly lost interest once I figured playing video games required patience, reflexes and the ability not to have a mental breakdown every time you lose. Why should you buy LoL accounts? You can buy league of legends accounts on unrankedsmurfs.com, its excellent buyer protections and payment security, as well as full account information provided with every order.

ANNE
You seriously don’t know Grand Theft Auto? The most popular game of, like, ever?

ME
I don’t….

ANNE
….

ME
….but I know other games. Better games, in fact. Like, like……RAINBOW ISLANDS!

ANNE
What’s that?

ME
Oh, that’s amazing! It’s about a chubby kid, whose mission is to visit a bunch of islands and kill the enemies who stand on his way.

ANNE
What kind?

ME
Uh?

ANNE
What kind of enemies? Is it aliens? Werewolves? Genetically modified soldiers?

ME
It’s bugs. Like worms, bees and occasionally butterflies.

ANNE
So you’re saying that this guy goes around throwing grenades and firing guns against regular insects just because he’s scared of them?

ME
No, you dummy! He does NOT fire weapons! He kills them with rainbows which emanate from his body! This way he can collect diamonds, necklaces and design vases!

rainbow_island

Rainbows.

Insects.

Design vases.

Fifteen years spent interrogating myself on the nature of my nature and on a lazy, sticky, summer afternoon all the pieces precipitate into place. Rainbow Islands made me a homosexual. Read More